A Turkey, some bubbly, and men, Oh my!

I woke up bright and early Christmas day, around 10 am I think! My head was throbbing, throbbing in a brain explosion kind of way with the sides of my head feeling like they were being pierced with blunt chop sticks. It was not pretty. I grabbed my Blackberry and thought, hmm, who will receive my first Christmas wish text? 

Side Note - Being a Civilised Queen, Civilised Christmas Cards were already sent out in a timely manner. 

However, sending out a text or email to a special person or people during an event is also a very popular method of letting someone know you're thinking of them. Sending out a text to A someone special,  in a less obvious manner needs to be done with caution and charisma. The first person I thought of was the love of my life Jim, he lives in New York. He is unaware that he is the love of my life, but I have no doubt that he will understand his status and move to Hollywood and marry me. Hopefully one day this coming decade!

As I grabbed my Blackberry I noticed the small red message light flashing. This is not uncommon as it's flashing every morning with emails and texts that have come in through the night. But to my surprise, there was a missed call, and a voice mail from JIM! OMG I could not believe that I must have been the first person he thought of too! As New York is three hours ahead of LA he must have woken up hours ago and thought of ME! Without listening to the message, I swiftly texted him.

I just woke up and you were the first person I thought of, and I see u called me. Will check VM now! Merry Christmas!

This was a cute text right? Not too incriminating. Doesn't say I want to marry you or you are the love of my life and don't know it! So after sending the text I listened to my voice mail. Too my horror Jim's message was some random conversation between him and someone else, there were also a lot of external voices. Clearly he had butt dialed me by mistake! Shit! I had sent the text already! So I swiftly sent another text.

HAHA! Too funny. You only called me by accident!

This was the most intelligent thing I could think of. I may be a Civilised Queen, but I'm not always so, quick! Eventually I got a response from Jim. It was perfect!

Merry Christmas! You crack me up! I'm obviously thinking about you lot's and clearly called you subconsciously because of it! XOXO

This response was great as he showed he has a sense of humor and also that he is still unaware of the fact that if we were in the same city I would be stalking him! With this in mind, I decided to start my day!

I dragged my barely functioning carcass to the bathroom and showered! In the midst of my showering I realised I was to be at my friend John's house early that morning to start cooking the Turkey for our Christmas lunch!

Turkey - something I have only just learnt to do! Due to my successful Thanks Giving Turkey 09, I was nominated Turkey maker for Christmas!

I dressed, called Jack as he was coming to lunch too and told him to get ready asap! Eventually we got in the car and raced to John's. John has a gala 5 story home in the Hollywood Hills, with spectacular views and an elevator!

Jack and I arrived, and went straight to the 4th floor. This was where the kitchen, dining and entertainment rooms are. John and I gossiped while Jack texted - for hours!

We were to be a small group of 8 queens for a Civilised lunch. John and his husband Joe, myself, Jack had narrowed his rotating group of gentlemen callers down to the #1 so his date was Jorge (hot Spanish guy), Jerry arrived with gala gifts and desert, Jacques - the french queen who arrived baring baguttes and bubbly and Julian - the hot Cuban friend of Johns husband.

It was gala, we all talked, drank champagne, listened to GAGA and prepared our gala lunch! I'm sure you won't be surprised to realise that the main topic of discussion during our luncheon was not in fact about the baby Jesus, but the demise of Jerry's recent love affair with a Mexican/American large  'laloo'd' graphic designer!

Laloo - the word we Civilised Queens use when discretely referring to a penis!

So, let me recap Jerry's story in my own words and if you feel the need to vocalise your own opinion regarding it's content please feel free to do so, as this topic really got all of us riled up!

Jerry had been seeing this guy for 6 months. It was a serious, exclusive,  monogamous relationship. Jerry had began to feel like something was a little strange in his BF's behavior, as the guy had became increasingly more secretive with his mobile phone. Due to Jerry being a clever queen he acknowledged his discomfort to his BF immediately and made it very clear that his behavior was 'classic cheating behavior' and if the BF was perhaps cheating, that they should discuss it immediately and sort it out. Of course the BF told Jerry he was imagining things and that he was not being secretive at all. Jerry thought this was a pile of shit, and kept a close yet distant watch on the BF's secretive phone behavior.

About a week later, Jerry and the BF were having a civilised breakfast at the restaurant Basix in WEHO, when a B grade docusoap celebrity walked into the restaurant. Jerry quietly informed his BF of the celebrity's arrival, but the BF didn't quite understand who had come in and asked Jerry to spell the name so he could google them on his phone. Jerry said absolutely not, as he didn't want the celebrity to hear their name being spelt so he grabbed the phone of his BF and started to type in the name for him. Such an innocent act! To Jerry's horror, he could see that the BF's last visited site was manhunt!

manhunt - a site gays go on to hook up! Not chat with "friends"!

Jerry allegedly passed the phone back to his BF and asked. Have you been on Manhunt? The BF stumbled and allegedly started and attempt to explain his obvious bullshit back peddling story, but Jerry interrupted and said. Stop, as what ever comes out of your mouth right now is clearly bullshit. Jerry then turned to the waiter, who had just walked up beside him and calmly ordered a Californian Omelette.

The couple sat at the table for over an hour discussing the incident. Jerry took it upon himself to ask his BF point blank if he had profiles on any gay chat sites and or hook up sites, and the BF responded with, I promise you I don't have an account anywhere. The reason Jerry's BF was on Manhunt was because he had "heard" through another friend that a guy was using pictures of him on a profile, so he needed to visit manhunt to determine if the guy was committing fraud by using his pictures. An unlikely story, but never the less also a story that did have a level of believability!

As Jerry was telling us the story we were all interjecting with our own views on the topic! "If it smells like a rat it's a rat dulling", "that asshole is lying through his teeth", "don't tell me you fell for that old story dulling", "oh please honey, do you need a piano to fall on your head?" Obviously, we were all extremely supportive and non-judgmental!

Apparently, about four days later Jerry was still not convinced that his BF was being completely honest with him - so due to some advice given from me, Jerry did some investigative reporting of his own! He went online and created a manhunt account of his own and started to search for his BF. Low and behold, he came across a very descriptive profile with many many pictures of his BF (faceless of course), a profile describing exactly what he was looking for! From Group sex to Married Men, this guy was into it all. Into it all, and all unbeknownst to Jerry! This knocked the wind out of Jerry for a moment, he called me immediately to ask for advice! My advice was like any sister would have given.

Dulling, write the sonofabitch a message through manhunt. That way he has NO way of backing out of it!

So that's what Jerry did. A very clever move that got straight to the source of the problem! Jerry wrote him a message, and literally an hour later the BF called. He finally admitted to lying about having the profile and claimed it was an old profile, but Jerry's response was,

If it's an old profile, why were you checking it just this morning?

The BF had no response, and after six months of an alleged exclusive, monogamous relationship their relationship was over. Over, just two weeks before Christmas!

We all discussed it well into the early evening. With advancing technology we have so many things readily available at our finger tips. From checking facebook updates to hooking up! I mean, what's a Civilised Queen to do in such a fast paced technological world?

All I know, is that Jerry's BF should have what he wants, and Jerry deserves to have what he want's too, just like we all deserve to have what we want! So the next time your partner asks you a question, be brutally honest, or the next time you ask your partner/future partner a question be as specific and fearless as possible because quite simply dulling, if you spin shit you're just wasting everyones time, and preventing yourself from finding your real true love!

Isn't that what any Civilised Queen would do?