A date with destiny?

After waking up New Years day with quite the head on me, I decided that it really was time to stop drinking. Or at least take the day off from drinking. Jack was beyond repair in the morning on the 1^st, but did start to turning human around 3pm and agreed that drinking was to be something left in 2009. From that point on, we were on the wagon – or off the wagon, depending on which way you look at it!

The New Year has started of rather nicely with lots of work and lots of socializing. Socializing I did not anticipate – which is sort of the best socializing of all. Due to the increased level of socializing I have allowed myself a ‘one drink per night and only when out in public’ drinking policy! I mean, a Civilised Queen can’t turn down a Civilised Cocktail when out in a bar - it could result in social suicide! Right? Jack on the other hand has kept to his strict regime of not drinking anything, and has resorted to an increased level of Uncivilised sexual escapades to replace his previous drinking habit. I am telling you, for a woman with such self-control in many aspects, Jack certainly can go from one addiction to the next with ease and poise and in true Jack form makes this transition with out even a blink, without even realizing himself, that he has made such a transition!

Any hoo enough about Jack and back on to more important things, like me! Just weeks into 2010, I must now admit I am back on or off the wagon, depending on how you look at it! However, I am very controlled this time round, which makes drinking more of a constant test of my inner strength than a display of sheer weakness.

With February fast approaching and all the Civilised social activity that January has provided, I had a brief moment of feeling like 2010 is going way to fast! Therefore I decided that a Civilised Gentleman Suitor is necessary. A Civilised Queen can’t have yet another month go by without having at least a dinner with a Gentleman Suitor! I did the ring around with my girlfriends to find out if anyone had anything suitable for me to canoodle with! To my surprise, one of my girlfriends in a distant circle of friends had an interesting sounding suitor! He is a builder, extremely outdoorsy and is apparently hung like a horse! So I graciously accepted.

Distant circle of friends – A person who is not in the immediate circle of trust though still in on the in’s and out’s of a Civilised Queen!

She organized the whole thing and all I had to do was show up! How Gala!

I met this so-called builder at Here Lounge a few nights ago. I recognized him as he told me he would be wearing a dark blue polo shirt. Oh my fucking gay god, when he walk through the front gates I noticed him immediately! He seriously was hot stuff baby this evening. About 6 feet tall, incredible body, sandy blond hair, the sexiest smile and a very masculine voice. I near dropped to my knees in an instant, but as a Civilised Queen should always do I remained composed and controlled!

Side Note! I did break my one drink policy. BUT - I had too as I was on a date!

We had great conversation about loads of things, from working out, to going out, to coming out, and then the deal breaker – his interest in Vagina! Look, seriously, I am not one to judge BUT if you are trying to get me in the sack please leave the Vagina talk for another time – like, when you’re not around me for example!

You woman know I absolutely adore you! But, I have no desire to go near your front door nor do I want to hear a possible Gentleman Suitor rehash stories of his desire to occasionally eat in.

Though, as it is 2010 and I am a new woman I entertained his dialogue and let him talk about it a little more. Then as a Civilised Queen would do I gently turned the conversation back to ME! By the time cocktail #3 had arrived I was becoming a little loser in my body language and my composure! I can neither confirm nor deny getting a little frisky with the builder. My frisky behavior was well received. At one point, I did one of those ‘accidental brush up against the penis region’ moves, and this builder was PACKING! Shit honey, I mean this was blue ribbon prize beef!

Moments after the alleged penis encounter an average looking woman approached us and started to flirt with my builder. To my shock and horror he started to flirt back, then they started to whisper to each other! What the fuck was this all about! No body turns me into a wallflower on my own date! I was not happy at all, but as a Civilised Queen should do I politely laughed along with their vile excuse for behavior! Then, to add insult to injury, my builder leans over to me and says.

I really wanna fuck this chick, is OK with you if I leave?

I responded with my EYES only! He then said.

Oh I’m sorry, how rude of me. Do you wanna come too?

I then responded with my mouth, and tried to be as civilized as possible.

I think it may be best if you kids trot off and have your little rendezvous on your own! It’s totally cool with me! It's been an absolute pleasure meeting you both!

Clearly, I said the last line as bland and as cement as possible! Even though I said I was cool with it, I certainly wasn't, and with that, I stood up and waltz out of the Bar! Never to see that builder again!

Look, I don’t want to sound Uncivilised, but if you are on a date with someone at least have the decency to finish your date with that person like a Civilised human being before nailing someone else! I mean really, what type of whore picks up someone whilst on a date with someone else! If this has also happened to you  - I feel your pain sister! I am not baring a grudge towards the builder, as it does save a lot of time when a person shows you their inner most self on the first date, but I am a little disturbed to find people think this type of behavior is socially acceptable! In A Civilised Queen’s world, this poor behavior is a big no no!

I have no doubt 2010 will be a wonderful year and I will not let my first date of the year with the builder tarnish my hopes and dreams of finding a Civilised Gentleman in West Hollywood! I am willing to do who and what ever it takes to find the perfect husband!

And this kids, is how Jack ruined NYE.....

With New Years Eve only one sleep away, my group of gals and I devised a plan to ensure we would have the most gala NYE ever! AKA, we were not invited to any gala parties so we decided to have our own.

Due to the fact that John is the only one in our immediate circle of Civilised Queens who owns a fabulous Hollywood Hills home, we all agreed that we should ring in the New Year at his place. John and his BF Joe were more than happy to have us all at their home, though we were all informed that after the stroke of midnight they would be going downtown for a Circuit Party! We could choose to stay at the home or mosey on down to WEHO after midnight.

With the excitement of having our own gala NYE party we all went shopping to purchase gala French Champagne and gala things to nibble on! Jerry had to take it one step further and prepared flyers that had Johns address, as well as RSVP instructions printed on them. He took it upon himself to wander the streets of WEHO handing out these flyers to unsuspecting hot guys. He did this without letting any of us know. I don't know if it was his ex's recent manhunt debacle that encourage him to perform such a stunt or not, but when he arrived at our Gala NYE event, he had a look of accomplishment on his face that none of use understood. Not until the doorbell rang about an hour after we had all arrived at John's home.

When the doorbell rang, Jerry looked all of us in the eye and said with the dirtiest smirk I have ever seen

Hmm, I wonder who that could be? I'll get it!

As all of us were already at the event, and we were not expecting any new arrivals we were all left looking rather puzzled. Jerry descended down the countless steps to the foyer of the home - alone. We all just kept gossiping about nothing really. Moments later Jerry arrived back to the fourth floor, and to our shock, horror and excitement, he was leading six pretty hot men into our realm! Jack near wet himself with excitement, whilst the rest of us tried to compose our reaction and simply behaved politely and seemingly unfazed by the new arrivals. This response is what any Civilised Queen would do!

Jack literally bowled us all over to be the first to meet these fine gentlemen suitors. It was a fagulous site to witness as he literally lunged into this group of unsuspecting men. He appeared to be well received by them all, which is no surprise as Jack is hot stuff baby this evening.  In a Civilised manner, the rest of us introduced ourselves and the event continued to roll along seamlessly.

Hours had passed, and Jack's focus on gentleman caller #4 had grown from mild infatuation to borderline molestation. Behavior completely acceptable as it was NYE and it was being reciprocated. None of us paid to much attention to it as it's not out of character for Jack to be so bold. The other gentlemen blended in well, though gentleman caller #2 was starting to get borderline Kanye West as his volume increased so did his need to be the centre of all conversations. Thankfully, the countdown to 2010 was only moments away, which I had hoped would interrupt the chance of any minor turns from any of my Civilised group.

With out much warning the countdown began. How ever the only reason we really paid any attention to it was because we heard other people from other homes in the Hollywood Hills counting down, so we all joined in and counted down, then wish each other Happy New Year, then kept drinking. It was not much of a climax really!

As previously discussed, John and Joe left the house to continue their night with thousand of sweaty Queens at the circuit party. We all decided we should make a real assault on WEHO and travelled down to Santa Monica Blvd! The lines to get into the bars were outrageous though one of the guys we were with new the security at Mickey's, so we jumped the long line and went inside!

It was very crowded inside and very hot. We were all in some spastic mood and started dancing like crazy with out any regard for the rest of the crowd. We kept drinking, dancing and yelling and having a great time. About half an hour later I noticed Jack was a little out of character - even for being intoxicated. When I asked him why he was chomping away and grinding his teeth he informed me that he had been given an 'E' from one of the gentlemen callers!

E, something done only with friends or not at all!


Jack's head started bobbing up and down like a liver on a stick and quite frankly the whole 'visual' was becoming increasingly more uncivilised! Not that I am one to judge, but really! The situation started to turn for the worst when jack started groping and verbally harassing everyone he saw, and I men everyone! He was throwing sexual abuse left and right and there was no stopping her! None of us knew what to do or how to control her! It must have been the mix of the alcohol and the pill that had turned Jack into Linda Blaire from the exorcist.

This paranormal activity lasted a good forty minutes until we literally could not stomach it anymore! As Jerry Lives quite close to the bars, he suggested we drag Jack to his place to try and prevent any further embarrassment to Jack's usually only mildly tarnished reputation. After much convincing we managed to get Jack out of the bar and Jerry and I began the walk of shame up the boulevard, shameful because Jack was falling down one moment, then the next moment making sexual innuendo towards a tree! It was truly uncivilised! Eventually we got back to Jerry's and Jack was still out of control. I had an idea, and said to Jerry.

Darling, get me an Ambien!

Jerry looked at me, gave the nod, then went to the bathroom and came back with an Ambien. He then looked at Jack and said.

Here darling, would you like another E?

Jack almost burst with excitement at the prospect of having another E and accepted graciously. Well, he mumble something, but it certainly looked like he was excited about it. Jerry then popped the sleeping aid into Jacks mouth. About 30 seconds later Jack realised it wasn't an E and instead was and Ambien and tried to throw it up! We managed to keep it inside his system long enough for it to do it's magic, and moments later, mid sentence, Jack passed  out into an Ambien induced coma! Much to our relief.

I know what you're probably thinking. Is it politically correct to roofy your friend? Clearly, the answer is yes! As that is what any Civilised Queen would do in this situation!

And that kids, is how Jack ruined NYE!

A Turkey, some bubbly, and men, Oh my!

I woke up bright and early Christmas day, around 10 am I think! My head was throbbing, throbbing in a brain explosion kind of way with the sides of my head feeling like they were being pierced with blunt chop sticks. It was not pretty. I grabbed my Blackberry and thought, hmm, who will receive my first Christmas wish text? 

Side Note - Being a Civilised Queen, Civilised Christmas Cards were already sent out in a timely manner. 

However, sending out a text or email to a special person or people during an event is also a very popular method of letting someone know you're thinking of them. Sending out a text to A someone special,  in a less obvious manner needs to be done with caution and charisma. The first person I thought of was the love of my life Jim, he lives in New York. He is unaware that he is the love of my life, but I have no doubt that he will understand his status and move to Hollywood and marry me. Hopefully one day this coming decade!

As I grabbed my Blackberry I noticed the small red message light flashing. This is not uncommon as it's flashing every morning with emails and texts that have come in through the night. But to my surprise, there was a missed call, and a voice mail from JIM! OMG I could not believe that I must have been the first person he thought of too! As New York is three hours ahead of LA he must have woken up hours ago and thought of ME! Without listening to the message, I swiftly texted him.

I just woke up and you were the first person I thought of, and I see u called me. Will check VM now! Merry Christmas!

This was a cute text right? Not too incriminating. Doesn't say I want to marry you or you are the love of my life and don't know it! So after sending the text I listened to my voice mail. Too my horror Jim's message was some random conversation between him and someone else, there were also a lot of external voices. Clearly he had butt dialed me by mistake! Shit! I had sent the text already! So I swiftly sent another text.

HAHA! Too funny. You only called me by accident!

This was the most intelligent thing I could think of. I may be a Civilised Queen, but I'm not always so, quick! Eventually I got a response from Jim. It was perfect!

Merry Christmas! You crack me up! I'm obviously thinking about you lot's and clearly called you subconsciously because of it! XOXO

This response was great as he showed he has a sense of humor and also that he is still unaware of the fact that if we were in the same city I would be stalking him! With this in mind, I decided to start my day!

I dragged my barely functioning carcass to the bathroom and showered! In the midst of my showering I realised I was to be at my friend John's house early that morning to start cooking the Turkey for our Christmas lunch!

Turkey - something I have only just learnt to do! Due to my successful Thanks Giving Turkey 09, I was nominated Turkey maker for Christmas!

I dressed, called Jack as he was coming to lunch too and told him to get ready asap! Eventually we got in the car and raced to John's. John has a gala 5 story home in the Hollywood Hills, with spectacular views and an elevator!

Jack and I arrived, and went straight to the 4th floor. This was where the kitchen, dining and entertainment rooms are. John and I gossiped while Jack texted - for hours!

We were to be a small group of 8 queens for a Civilised lunch. John and his husband Joe, myself, Jack had narrowed his rotating group of gentlemen callers down to the #1 so his date was Jorge (hot Spanish guy), Jerry arrived with gala gifts and desert, Jacques - the french queen who arrived baring baguttes and bubbly and Julian - the hot Cuban friend of Johns husband.

It was gala, we all talked, drank champagne, listened to GAGA and prepared our gala lunch! I'm sure you won't be surprised to realise that the main topic of discussion during our luncheon was not in fact about the baby Jesus, but the demise of Jerry's recent love affair with a Mexican/American large  'laloo'd' graphic designer!

Laloo - the word we Civilised Queens use when discretely referring to a penis!

So, let me recap Jerry's story in my own words and if you feel the need to vocalise your own opinion regarding it's content please feel free to do so, as this topic really got all of us riled up!

Jerry had been seeing this guy for 6 months. It was a serious, exclusive,  monogamous relationship. Jerry had began to feel like something was a little strange in his BF's behavior, as the guy had became increasingly more secretive with his mobile phone. Due to Jerry being a clever queen he acknowledged his discomfort to his BF immediately and made it very clear that his behavior was 'classic cheating behavior' and if the BF was perhaps cheating, that they should discuss it immediately and sort it out. Of course the BF told Jerry he was imagining things and that he was not being secretive at all. Jerry thought this was a pile of shit, and kept a close yet distant watch on the BF's secretive phone behavior.

About a week later, Jerry and the BF were having a civilised breakfast at the restaurant Basix in WEHO, when a B grade docusoap celebrity walked into the restaurant. Jerry quietly informed his BF of the celebrity's arrival, but the BF didn't quite understand who had come in and asked Jerry to spell the name so he could google them on his phone. Jerry said absolutely not, as he didn't want the celebrity to hear their name being spelt so he grabbed the phone of his BF and started to type in the name for him. Such an innocent act! To Jerry's horror, he could see that the BF's last visited site was manhunt!

manhunt - a site gays go on to hook up! Not chat with "friends"!

Jerry allegedly passed the phone back to his BF and asked. Have you been on Manhunt? The BF stumbled and allegedly started and attempt to explain his obvious bullshit back peddling story, but Jerry interrupted and said. Stop, as what ever comes out of your mouth right now is clearly bullshit. Jerry then turned to the waiter, who had just walked up beside him and calmly ordered a Californian Omelette.

The couple sat at the table for over an hour discussing the incident. Jerry took it upon himself to ask his BF point blank if he had profiles on any gay chat sites and or hook up sites, and the BF responded with, I promise you I don't have an account anywhere. The reason Jerry's BF was on Manhunt was because he had "heard" through another friend that a guy was using pictures of him on a profile, so he needed to visit manhunt to determine if the guy was committing fraud by using his pictures. An unlikely story, but never the less also a story that did have a level of believability!

As Jerry was telling us the story we were all interjecting with our own views on the topic! "If it smells like a rat it's a rat dulling", "that asshole is lying through his teeth", "don't tell me you fell for that old story dulling", "oh please honey, do you need a piano to fall on your head?" Obviously, we were all extremely supportive and non-judgmental!

Apparently, about four days later Jerry was still not convinced that his BF was being completely honest with him - so due to some advice given from me, Jerry did some investigative reporting of his own! He went online and created a manhunt account of his own and started to search for his BF. Low and behold, he came across a very descriptive profile with many many pictures of his BF (faceless of course), a profile describing exactly what he was looking for! From Group sex to Married Men, this guy was into it all. Into it all, and all unbeknownst to Jerry! This knocked the wind out of Jerry for a moment, he called me immediately to ask for advice! My advice was like any sister would have given.

Dulling, write the sonofabitch a message through manhunt. That way he has NO way of backing out of it!

So that's what Jerry did. A very clever move that got straight to the source of the problem! Jerry wrote him a message, and literally an hour later the BF called. He finally admitted to lying about having the profile and claimed it was an old profile, but Jerry's response was,

If it's an old profile, why were you checking it just this morning?

The BF had no response, and after six months of an alleged exclusive, monogamous relationship their relationship was over. Over, just two weeks before Christmas!

We all discussed it well into the early evening. With advancing technology we have so many things readily available at our finger tips. From checking facebook updates to hooking up! I mean, what's a Civilised Queen to do in such a fast paced technological world?

All I know, is that Jerry's BF should have what he wants, and Jerry deserves to have what he want's too, just like we all deserve to have what we want! So the next time your partner asks you a question, be brutally honest, or the next time you ask your partner/future partner a question be as specific and fearless as possible because quite simply dulling, if you spin shit you're just wasting everyones time, and preventing yourself from finding your real true love!

Isn't that what any Civilised Queen would do?

A New Years reso-WHAT!

Whilst laying in bed, for an overly long time I was thinking of ways to pass the time. Not waste time, but pass it - by doing something stimulating and fulfilling, something that may bring a smile to my face and yours!

I racked my brain with idea's for New Year's resolutions, and then thought - why wait to get my lazy ass to the gym, or to vacuum the floor! The New Year is just days away, so why not start now... With that enthusiasm in mind, I decided to start at least one task, the one that would require the least physical effort - not that I am apposed to working out as I am 'A Civilised Queen' after all, but a task that I could do at any time of the day, and not need the motivation of a work out partner or the encouragement of a latte to do so.

So the birth of my first blog has finally arrived. I hereby christen this day, the official birth date of 'A Civilised Queen' (civilised written with an S and not a Z, as although I live in fabulous Hollywood I am actually from a land far, far away).

So let's begin dullings (spelt dullings - as that's how I like to pronounce it).

Let's start nice and easy as to not bore or confuse anyone!

With the New Year fast approaching and the excitement of the possibility of being invited to a fabulous Hollywood Hills gala New Years Eve party, myself and my gala friend (let's call him - "Jack") decided to get out and about amongst it! Amongst the beautiful queens of West Hollywood in an attempt to create a little buzz about our willingness to be invited to such a Hollywood Hills gala New Years Eve PARTY!

On Christmas eve, Jack and I spontaneously decided to make our buzz creating debut! Fortunately Jack and I are neighbours, so responding to such acts of spontaneity are not difficult. I was at Jacks, when he decided we go out for a stunning dinner somewhere fabulous. So whipped into a gay frenzy I raced back to my apartment and plucked, pruned, and eventually dressed myself into a stunning ensemble of clothing! About 45 minutes later Jack arrived to my place looking far less sophisticated than I had imagined he should and demanded he return to his apartment and re think his ensemble. As a true Queen should do, Jack returned to his apartment and re grouped, then re dressed!

Sixty minutes after Jack left my apartment, he was finally ready and can I just say we looked incredible. If there is one thing Jack can do, it's create a flawless ensemble. His ability to do so in a timely manner needs vast improvement, though his willingness to improve on this is encouraging.

We both wore stunning outfits and were dressed way to formally for any West Hollywood establishment. With this in mind Jack suggested we go to Cecconi's, I thought this was a fabulous idea. Though, when we got in the car and fully understood the extent of our glamorous looks, we decided to make an assault on Mickey's instead. I mean, why waste a fabulous out fit in a straight restaurant right? I mean, the whole idea for getting out and about it, was to get an invite from some Hollywood Hills Billionaire to his Hollywood Hills gala home on New Years eve!

We both strutted into Mickey's, looking to die for! and every head in the bar turned in awe! Well, approximately three guys looked at us. But that was a very good response as there were only about six guys in the bar. We sat down at a table and ordered Dirty Martini's. This was to be our last drink for the year as Jack and I agreed to stop drinking for four months! I don't know why the length of four months was decided upon, but that was the alleged agreement!

We then ordered a few civilised dishes and sat and enjoyed our cocktales whilst waiting for the food to arrive!

Cocktale or Cocktales  - deliberately spelt like this as it describes the act of drinking alcohol whilst discussing cocks and or men!

Moments later, the waiter returned and informed us that another patron of the bar wanted to buy us our second round of drinks. Such a civilised gesture, and normally it would have been most appreciated, but due to our new non drinking policy the offer was declined. Whilst waiting for the food to arrive, we did manage to tip a very well built dancer! This gave us the opportunity to walk around the bar with a purpose, and not look like we were trying to get attention - which we clearly were!

The food eventually arrived, and by this time the bar had become a little busier and the talent had become a little more interesting. To our surprise, the waiter came to our table with two new cocktales. We were not happy, as we were starting our not drinking policy! But, what's a Civilised Queen to do in this situation? We had no choice but to graciously accept. Martini number two was being enjoyed, and time started to disappear along with the sense of responsibility!

Half way through Martini number two, my phone rang and it was our other friend "Jerry". He was calling to remind us we were expected at Church in a few hours for the Christmas Eve Service!

Church - something done once a year!

I realised at that point Martini number two was not the best idea, but reasoned with myself that it was going to be OK as Church was about two hours away, and we had plenty of time to sober up! I asked the waiter for the check, so we could get out of there asap. Whilst waiting for the check Jack, had started talking to a very cute group of guys. Apparently they were all going back to their friends Hollywood Hills home for a small party and invited Jack and I to follow. The thing with Jack, is that after a drink he tends to lose all sense of responsibility and self control, and being a true friend I tend do what ever he tells me. Not the best combination!

So, we agreed to follow the guys to their alleged friends Hollywood Hills home. This was acceptable behaviour as we were attempting to get a New Years Eve invite, and this could have been the ticket! Right? Whilst driving to the house, Jack and I agreed to only one drink and to staying for only one hour. We needed to be respectable at church!

The house was stunning, and the guys were all very interesting and civilised. This led me to believe there is an entire vortex of gala queens out there just waiting to be discovered - therefore restoring my faith in the fact that I will one day marry the man of my dreams, and not end up one of those wretched, lecherous old men! (No Offense guys).

I was thoroughly enjoying myself, and Jack was certainly enjoying himself too. About an hour had past and it was time to get to church! I must admit, I did accidentally have more than the one cocktale, but this was not my fault. The host insisted - and what is a Civilised Queen to do? Apparently, these guys were all going out of town for NYE so we didn't manage to get an invite from them. All was not lost, we still had a few nights to get an invite!

This in mind, we headed to church. We have a tradition of going to the fabulous church on Franklin and Highland! It's a great service, with Thai Dancer's, three wise men and a wonderful array of possible suitors!

Note - do not go if stoned! the Three wise men are really scary after a brownie!

We met Jerry, and the three of us strutted down the aisle, and took prominent positioning in the second row to the left! Jerry could tell immediately that we may have been a little buzzed! Jerry was not impressed, as he takes church very seriously! The service started with the Thai dancers, and that was IT! Jack and I turned into a giggling mess. Jerry, was far from impressed and scolded us like school children. At one point I was looking at the choir who started to morph into the cast of Fraggle Rock, and my eyes started to get really fuzzy and I thought 'Shit honey, I'm gonna throw up'! So I gave myself a very stern talking to and composed myself! Can you imagine vomiting in church? How truly uncivilised!

We managed to compose ourselves, until silent night started! Then we lost it again.... I know for a fact the laughter was from joy, and not from the fact that almost everyone in the church started the first verse of each song with such gusto, only to lose their confidence on the second verse as they all realise they only know the words to the first verse! What a scream! We carefully lit our candles and slowly sauntered up the aisle! when we got outside, Jerry insisted on driving us home.

We got into his car and he drove us home. We both went down to Jack's apartment and like a pair of Civilised Queens, we slumped onto his gala sectional sofa and watched Rosalind Russell perform her guts out in Auntie Mame!

Ok, Ok, we only saw the first three minutes of the movie as we both passed out! But the night wasn't a complete loss! Or was it?

After waking up around 4am, I went back to own apartment and climbed into bed - alone, yet again! What had happened to our plan to look glamorous and get and invitation to a gala NYE party? Where did we go wrong? Did we go wrong? Too many questions, and not enough brain power to answer them....

Best to just sleep on it, after all, tomorrow is another day filled with endless possibilities!